The Driving Academy: Episode II

I my fingers made a breakthrough yesterday. They now allow me to play a song on the guitar without missing a beat. This maybe due to my hours of practicing… but since it just happened all of a sudden, I figure it’s the sardines I had for dinner.

Off to WaterWoo this weekend to see my best friend and her bf (a buddy of mine from class); they met during a party at my house last term. I’m looking forward to this weekend… but if I catch them cleaning each other’s teeth, I’m going straight to Home Depot to purchase a wall separator.

And now, another installment of the crazy hooting at driving school.

Airbags have the highest failure rate for saving lives. Seatbelts have the lowest.
Jen: “Airbags inflate at 300 km/h. So if you’re driving 100km/h without a seatbelt, that’s something hitting your face at 400km/h…. bye bye face.”
People: “….”
Jen: “Same goes for things if the way of your airbag. If you drive like a rap star, (indicating one arm at 12 ‘clock) you will get a nice imprint of that bling bling watch on your forehead. And can you imagine driving with your foot at the time? Hahaha ‘I didn’t know I bent that way?!’ ”

During a circle check around your car, you’re are looking for anything out of the ordinary.
Jen: “that includes the hobo sleeping in, under or on top of your car.
How do you keep a hobo out of your car?”
Touqy: “give him food!”
Jen: “no, OUT of your car.”
Demento: “you crucify him!!”
Jen: “…you are just too weird… try locking the doors… stupid.
How do you get a hobo off your car?”
People “dm.f,mummbblee”
Jen: “Poke him with stick, hit the horn, or just drive.”

80% of all accidents occur with a 80km radius of your home.
Jen: “you know why right? When I drive down to the 7/11, my mind is on the lotto tickets and..”
Touqy: “and cigarettes and krispy crèmes.”
Jen: “*condescending look*
So I’m only driving with half a brain, other people on the road, probably also close to home and headed to Timmies, also using half a brain…”
Demento: “so that’s a whole brain missing somewhere!! Can you imagine a whole brain?”
Jen : “yeah ok…”
Me: “I’m going to read about you in the toronto Star one day; front page!”
Demento: “at least I don’t wanna shoot helicopters down.”
Jen: “I don’t like the Star, Toronto Sun is a lot more interesting.”
Me: *GASP!*

Touqy drank a litre of chocolate milk and didn’t say much during class… and by that I mean we saw his mouth shut and stayed shut long enough for time to pass. It was funny to see him turning greener and greener to match his toque. Jen feared for her clean carpet.

An intesting fact about driving… even though cars are now made safer with airbags, ABS and all that jazz, vehicular fatalities have remained the same. This is because people drive more aggressively knowing they have less chance of being injured. This is also one of the reasons people purchase SUV’s (…bastards!)

Jen: “so I’m giving driving lessons to this girl from Port Colborn, a cocaine dealer btw…we were driving past a cliff one day… haha you see where this is going…
People: “…”
Jen: “ and she said, ‘I’d totally jump’.
I said jump where? Off the cliff?
‘yeah, if I ever crashed the car and it’s tumbling down, I’d unbuckle my seat belt and jump out.’
I said that’ll kill you just the same.
‘No it won’t, I’ll just be rolling down the hill.”
I said huhhhh… alright you try that….
She didn’t showed up for driving class next day. I never saw her again.”